Be who you want to be. No one else.

Oh the battle, food. Addiction? Some may call it that. Control: out of it. I must look the things that I am eating and wondering damn, did you really just eat that? I went out to eat yesterday and I felt guilty, and I haven’t felt like that ever, and it was just a realization that I need to stick what I was doing: not really eating out and concentrating on the bigger picture. A new me. I’ve always wanted to lose weight, but instead I headed down hill. It went from only losing 50 pounds, to now needing to lose 100. Instead of saying OH ONE OF MY RESOLUTIONS IS TO LOSE WEIGHT, I’m not even going to go there, I just want to be healthier. I want to wake up in the morning and within the first 30 minutes of being awake; go and eat breakfast. I don’t eat breakfast, ever. Sometime last month I had to force myself to go to a diner and eat a meal. And even then I ordered your typical big breakfast special and didn’t even eat much of it. Moderation. You’ll be able to still eat the foods you enjoy, but do it in moderation. I’ve been talking to various people, and reading blogs and all of these kinds of things for a while, and I want to try a few things out. As much as I want to just get into insanity and p90X (trust me I’d LOVE to do it if I could) physically I can’t. My back is messed up, and there is no way I’d want to get in that type of pain EVER again in my life. Having that inch nerve was the worse feeling I have ever experienced in my life. So how am I going to change? CHALLENGE. 

Last week I jogged walked 13 miles, I’m pretty sure last year I didn’t even run that in one year. And this week my goal is to do 15-18. And the week after that 20. Why so much? I’m taking this challenge, I must do 100 miles in 6 weeks. I did my first 3 mile run last Tuesday, and it felt really really good. So yesterday I skipped the run because it was already dark when I got home, but today my goal is to do 5. I tried hitting it last week but my body just didn’t want to do it. So I thought, hey if I just jog walk 2-3 miles during lunch, and when I get home I can just do another 2-3, I may be able to do more than what I’m challenging myself to do. Well see, time is just not on my side these days. With that my goals for this week is to: everyday eat breakfast within 30-45 minutes of waking up, jog walk at least 2-3 miles per day (my weeks start on Tuesdays) and eat out less. I want to purchase daily vitamins again because I was more energized and felt better when I was taking them. So that’s that.

So let the games begin. I’ll try to write regularly. It won’t be on the daily but I’ll definitely try. 

NEW YEAR.

It’s resolution time! Of course, that time of the year to reflect on all the things we haven’t done and all the things we want to do. This year I have actually done quite a few things that I wanted to, minus working on my fitness and traveling. which will be on the high priority list. Instead of going into it full force, I want to slowly get my own pace and then BOOM go into it. I am that girl that always just does what she wants when she wants, gets what she wants, buys what she wants. This new year I want to think about it before I buy. I’ve been spending way too much these past years and have too much shit. I care too much about what others feel, that I lose my mind and become this bitter shit talker. I don’t want that. I don’t want to hate others because my friends or family do. I don’t want to automatically cut someone out just because they annoy me. The reason why it’s so easy to cut people out is because I really don’t have the time to give second and third chances. Life is too short to be disappointed all the time isn’t it? At least for me it is.

I wanted to move to a town this year where no one knew my name, where no one really bothred me, where I could be free. I was able to do that. Around May, I got out of a long term relationship which was easier to get out of than I thought. But I just have this feeling that he’s going to appear and make my life a living nightmare. Not like he hasn’t done already, but let’s not fool anyone. We all have our reasons for breaking up and moving on, and being WEAK or GIVING UP is far from it. It’s called being smart. I absolutely hate it when individuals say that everyone easily gives up on others, it’s because WE DON’T HAVE MUCH TIME. We are on this planet for a given time. Why waste it with people who you know don’t treat you right or give you your worth. I wish some of the females in my life knew their worth so they wouldn’t be with these jack ass losers, but all I can do is nod my head like I give two shits and listen to their problems anyways. Even though in the back of my mind I want to yell “YOU’RE the only person to blame because you’re still with him.” But is it fear of being alone that strikes individuals to become so wrapped up in a downfall relationship that they really think it’s worth it to stay. The heart ache, the fights, no trust. Once I finally realized to myself that there was no trust in my last relationship, I knew I had to let him go. There is nothing that can fix the feeling of no trust. You’ll always think in the back of your mind what if, and it’ll drive you CRAZY I tell you. CRAZY. So how did I move on? Easy, the first step may seem like it’s the hardest, but you never go back, and that’s how it works. Exes aren’t ment to be friends unless there has been a significant time that has passed. And even still it can be a little iffy. You have to truly know that you are 110% ready before you even go back to being pals, and even then, why would you want to be friends? Individuals ask me if I’m still friends with Jake. I’m not. I don’t want to have anything to do with him. Why? Because people change. And I don’t like what he has become. Yeah he was one of the reasons why I changed my number, but I also changed my number to cut out those from my past who too had my number. A phone number, floating digits that people have in their phone to contact you. I didn’t want to be contacted from my past so I only gave my number to about 20 people. And I’m fine with that. I deleted my facebook, and I just want to stay away from the unnecessary shit that we post. I’m guilty of it too. But I really want to change. 

Changing to become a better humble person. Even though I can be a b*tch, that’s not who I am. I come from an amazing family and my parents and grandparents raised me better than how I’ve been acting at times. Thus the new year, new goals :D

#1) GET HEALTHIER

#2) Declutter

#3) Work on procrastination

#4) Get good grades in my classes

#5) Get into a graduate program

#6) Travel more

#7) Finish what I start, in everything that I do, no more half assing

#8) Spend time with my nephew and niece at least once a month

#9) Try and meet up with a friend or family member once every other week (different ones of course) to maintain relationships

#10) Do Bay2Breakers

#11) Run a 5K

#12) Hike Mission Peak

#13) Finish a 365 Day photo challenge

#14) Blog and journal more

#15) Craft a TON more

#16) Make 5 scrapbooks this year

#17) Make new friends

#18) Become a Yelp Elite

#19) Join a new group or club

#20) Read 100 books and write about it

#21) Complete PROJECT LIFE

#22) Send 200 Postcards for post-crossing

#23) Do many random acts of kindness throughout the year

And I may add more to the list, but that’s what I have so far. Anyways, have a great upcoming year to everyone!! 

Realizing things.

Going to apply for the RC position by Dec 1st.
Cha cha cha changes are in need.
I need to spend time with people who I actually like and are positive.
Job change.
To go to school next semester or not? Money making numero uno right?
My room has been trashy for almost a year, time to take some action.
Fighting, all the time it’s getting old.
209 kills brain cells, just sayin`.
In need to visit my grandma.
Cousin kick it day soon?
Found a chill spot in SF yesterday, it’ll be one of my tour guide spots haha.
Dinner with Miss Janice on Wednesday! Haven’t seen that beezy in forever.
MUST hang out with KTB before she leaves to SOCAL.
My contacts are killing me btw.
Time to order some pictures so I can make my colored journal tonight.
Haven’t been feeling good lately hmph. I need a check up at the docs, STAT!

TO DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

- Cut Juicys hair (DONE!)
- Laundry (DONE!)
- Clean car (inside and out)
- Post office
- Trinity Park errands (Target, UPS, Borders, PetSMART)
- CVS Pharmacy
- Update 4 resumes and prep counselor position one to send out
- Finish Le Marriage
- Clear bed
- Read Chapter 7
- Shoot 100 frames
- Do four painting with light assignments
- Read and work on 2 chapters for my CBEST exam prep book
- Deposit check
- Post three-four items on EBAY
- Rasputin
- Michaels

So much to do, so little time. Trying to keep busy and be proactive. Keeping my head in the game, Florence is turning GRANNY. Yes bitches I am turning 25 and I definitely need to start acting like it. I’m around too many people who act their shoe size and who don’t have their shit straight. I really don’t want to be a loser. My fear is failure and though I have never failed educationally, I feel like I’m off track. I already have two bachelors degrees and on my way to receiving 2-4 photography certificates by summer 2011 :D Masters Degree is going to be in full swing fall 2011. I really want to put my head in the game and focus, I am seeing the clear light again and I have that need and want to achieve realistic GOALS.
You see, when you’re my age, you are either already married with kids, living with your significant other, finished with school and lost, still in community college, have a janky job you hate, unemployed, spending your parents money, or you’re living your dream. I’m finished with school and semi-lost with a job that I no longer enjoy. Paving my way to making myself happy again. BOYA, watch me now :)